Met her right in the middle of grad school
We were both students in different departments. In terms of whether it’s easier once you’re more permanently settled, it depends who you are and the circumstances. Some people feel like they need to get their own lives settled before meeting someone else, whereas others find that meeting someone else helps them settle their lives. I think when you say, “I don’t necessarily want a family, but I don’t want to die alone either,” that’s a very different statement from “I don’t necessarily want a family, but I do want a partner / someone to love” and makes me think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, as there is plenty in between “no family now” and “dying alone!” It sounds like you’re just not in a place now where you want a serious relationship, but maybe on some level feel like you should (hence you come up with scenarios for why you’re making a mistake by not pursuing one now, pushing that all the way to “I might die alone!”) I’d just accept that you don’t want a serious relationship now and keep doing what you’re doing. It’s true you have no idea where you’ll end up as AP, and maybe you’ll decide that if you don’t end up in a good place, that you want to Hemsidan pursue something other than academia so you can live in a place where you feel more confident about finding a partner. Or maybe you want to try to beef up your career so you can eventually move someone to find someone. And since you don’t want a family, you certainly have some time. Though I’d also say that major metropolitan areas are not the only place you can find someone simpatico, even if you’re a NYC / LA / SF etc person. There are plenty of small to mid-size cities with sizeable populations of peop
If this is really your thinking on the matter, this is way, way, way too self-centered of a reason to enter into a LTR that’s going to require a ton of sacrifices for at least one (if not both) parties. If you can’t imagine yourself making a major life altering sacrifice for a LTR, maybe you don’t actually want one.
My guess is that this is how you approach a lot of life – think you should be doing something, don’t actually want to, feel bad about it, and then start to feel desperate
More generally I think it becomes harder to find a partner the older you get simply because more people have already paired up, and the network of same-aged peers who are interested in hanging out and meeting new people starts to dry up.
Met my husband when he was in a class I was TAing. I would say general it is easier to date while still in grad school, but the that often leads to a two body problem.
Yeah, I’m with 345b. I’m thinking you don’t want one, think you should, and think that’s bad. This isn’t a crime, but it’s definitely a reason to see a therapist, as you are kind of an asshole to yourself.
If you are OK with being cuckolded (in a evobio sense) and raising another man’s kids, you are golden
It depends on whether you are a man or woman. Despite what 4c4b says above, the lit is clear that it gets harder for women and easier for men. Simple supply and demand. Like in every other domain, race matters: If you are a black woman and want to meet “marriageable” black men, you are pretty much SOL by the age you would usually finish a PHD. If you are a white man, supply is no problem.
as someone about to start a phd in a lively but very isolated collegetown in her late twenties, this is very concerning thought for me! it is very nice that you are in a metro area if you choose to look now or soon
