Set ground rules that determine the nature of this new relationship. These rules might include:
This is my house, and I should have laid down he ground rules that said he was to knock tapaa Portugali naiset on the front door just like any other houseguest. Houseguests do not help themselves to the food in my refrigerator. This is him living by the old rules as if this were his home, which it is not.
That is not to say that you cannot have a relationship with your ex, but it has to be radically different from the one you had while married
These ground rules are meant to protect you and prevent any situations that could lead to an upset. The less you have to do with your ex, the better. There are women who cannot have their exes in their lives for any reason other than the children.
Their emotional ties to their exes are still strong, and they need to isolate themselves in order to break those ties
- Communicate with your ex via writing and/or brief phone calls. Keep all communication limited to only what is necessary for the kids or legal matters.
- When an upset is looming or when your ex starts to speak to you in inappropriate ways, stop the conversation and hang up or walk away. Let your ex know this new ground rule: you will speak to one another in respectful ways and will not tolerate anything else or the conversation is over.
- Ensure that your home is just that: your home. It is not a place to hang out with the kids. It is not his home. When he is in your house make certain he realizes that he is a houseguest like any other.
- Keep your conversations highly impersonal and to the point. Protect your privacy. Do not discuss your fears, concerns, or personal issues, because that only maintains the emotional tie between the two of you. Don’t talk about anything that opens the door to more connections or emotional entanglements. Keep it business-like.
- Do not involve the children in any communication between the two of you. Don’t send messages through the kids. Keep them protected.
- Stay out of each other’s lives. You don’t need to know where he goes, what he does, what he is thinking, or whom he is seeing… and he doesn’t need to know those things about you either.
- Don’t look to your ex for advice or support. This might be the hardest tie to break. I remember that in the early part of my separation, I continued to treat him as my husband when I called upon him for assistance with the kids. Wrong. Handle it yourself by getting support from friends or family. You aren’t married anymore, and you will only be left disappointed.
- Consider your child support or your alimony as your money and not a gift from him or an obligation. Your money, no matter how it is acquired, is your money. The courts determined that support, and it doesn’t give him the right to comment upon or berate you about finances. If you are experiencing any problems with support checks, take it to your family lawyer. Never beg or put yourself in an inferior position. Keep your true financial position to yourself.
- Be careful of maintaining relationships with his family. Blood is thicker than water. If you have developed a friendship with your sister-in-law, make certain it is because you two are friends, not family members. Always insist that the subject of your ex is forbidden.
- You are not a wife anymore, so do not exhibit any behavior that mimics that role. All too often, women continue to do things or relate in ways to their exes that were part of their former marriage. If he needs support or someone to talk to about personal matters, he needs to call a friend and not you. You are not there to assist him as you did when you were his wife. You are not his wife anymore and not his friend either, at least not right now.
