Develop a genuine interest in your partner’s life
Remember, we are two separate individuals joining into one shared journey together, so we need to create a strong foundation from which to build.
We need to get clear on exactly what we want and where we are headed together to identify the shared vision for a life that you are creating together.
I believe marriage is successful when we can work as a unified team . We can’t expect our partner to be ALL of the things.
And we should certainly never try to change our partners or expect them to become someone else. Instead, we need to name our strengths and weaknesses and look at where we can fill the gaps for each other.
I recommend writing this out together – naming how we each function best, our strengths and weaknesses, and then defining how we can support your partner and each other as we create our shared vision for life together.
Always ask your partner if they can listen before you start talking. Otherwise, you will violate their boundaries and risk conflict.
That will always trigger a negative emotion called anxiety, and anxiety will trigger a defense of counter-attack or avoidance, and either way, the connection is ruptured.
They may be just being themselves, and you may be responding to what you made up and attributing it to them
Replace all devaluations or put-downs with affirmations. These include appreciation, gratitude for a caring behavior, that you are together, etc.
Know what is going on in your partner’s life. Sure, life is busy and gets even tougher if you raise children, but make an effort, and it will not get unnoticed.
For example, what are your partner’s plans today? Are they going out for dinner with their parents? Does your partner have an important meeting today? Know all this and ask them how it went.
Couples inevitably disagree with each other. It is not the size of the disagreement that matters. It is how the couple approaches the disagreement that makes all the difference.
It is common for partners to pit themselves against each other and then compete for who wins and loses. Here is a better alternative to start a negotiation…
- We seem to disagree about X (Get a mutually agreed-upon definition of the problem with each stating the disagreement until they agree on what they are discussing
- Each partner names 2-3 emotions that are driving their position
- Each partner proposes a solution in this format. I suggest we try X that I believe can work for you, and here is how it would also work for me. Embellish how the proposed solution edullinen linkki will work for your partner.
- Each partner proposes a solution in this format. I suggest we try X that I believe can work for you, and here is how it would also work for me. Embellish how the proposed solution will work for your partner.
Stop dreaming, set realistic expectations instead
Watching romantic comedies, reading fairy tales growing up, and happily ever after all their lives, people get caught up in a make-believe world where they expect their married life to be just like the fairy tales.
You must stop fantasizing and realize that happily ever after is just in the movies. The reality is much more different.
Couples who report more marital satisfaction have a vibrant and robust friendship; maintain a positive perspective, and appreciate one another.
To deepen your friendship, spend quality time together, ask open-ended questions , share meaningful stories, and have fun creating new memories!
Each time you offer support, kindness, affection, or engage in a meaningful conversation, you’re building up a reserve. This emotional savings account represents trust and security, which helps you stay connected and weather the storm when conflict arises.
